Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Days Like These

How do I even begin to explain how hard it is to hear my daughter call, sobbing -- just crying "I can't take it anymore"... and knowing at the same time that my grandson is suffering as well.  That' I'm not with her and I can't take her in my arms and let her cry it out.  That I'm not there to help her when he does this.  How can I tell her that he loves her, even though it doesn't seem so at times.  How his face lights up when he sees her walk to the car for him -- or across the yard to get him.  How she makes him laugh his big belly laugh like no one else can. 

He is once more going through his phase of meltdowns -- serious meltdowns that I believe have him so overwhelmed he cannot control himself.  They seem like tantrums, but "we" know the difference.  It's hard to know the difference.  Not being able to control himself, complete disregard for his own safety or that of others.  Has no regard for where he is or any social situation.  Not being able to stop himself no matter what.  A meltdown may happen because he wants something he cannot have,  and after a certain point, nothing, not even what he wanted or anything else can satisfy.   Meltdowns hurt -- both him, my daughter and, even when I'm not there, -- me.

He was going through a wonderful growth spurt (that's what Nik and I call them) where he was learning, laughing, able to bring himself back from quite a few potention meltdowns.  What is it that has changed?  We don't know.  He can't tell us and all we can do is guess and speculate. 

Is he sick and hurting and can't tell us...Nik will call and make an appointment to have his ears checked and anything else that the dr might suggest.  It wouldn't be the first time he's had an ear infection and we didn't know.

Is it his school?  He won't be getting in his new one till the end of the month.  But two mornings in a row he did not want to get on the bus.  Since today is his last day till the 29th, what harm would keeping him home do for a few days.  Let's call the new school and check on how things are progressing -- do they have a date yet.

And to top it off, when my daughter calls she is told that maybe Crossroads isn't the right place for him.  Huh?  What?  After we met with them and they told us it was definately the right place for him?  After they showed us around and we saw for ourselves how wonderful he would fit in there?  I heard them -- they were anxious to meet him and hoped to get him started as quick as possible if we were interested in having him go there.  Now all of a sudden it's not the right place?  "Well, he can only go here two years"  What?  After we were told the school helps children almost into the middle school years.  What? -- did they find someone else they wanted more?  No fair....  All they did was add more frustration to my daughters day. 

But I'm grandma -- calling them and telling them what I think wouldn't be appropriate and would probably make more trouble for Nichole getting him in at the end of the month.  Honestly -- now I am not so sure I even want him there!  Be brave and strong for Nik -- that's all I can honestly do.  Being Grandma sucks sometimes -- I want to raise some hell.  But like I tell Nik -- where would that get us? 

I want to make things all better for my daughter -- and for Eric.  And I want everyone to know just how wonderfully strong she is -- she always gets through.  No matter how bad she wants to give up.  She never does.  I wish I was half the mother to my "normal" kids that she is to our little man.   You are not alone Nichole.  Not ever.


  1. No, she is not alone. And she is so lucky to have you. Your writing makes me realize how hard it must be for my mother to see all that goes on with me and my daughter. Eric may just be sensing a transition coming up...they always seem to know. I hope that things work out with the school.